Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Anyway, I started this blog as a way of showing people that they could look good even when they were going through hell and looked like Fester from the Addams Family. I still wake up most mornings, look in the mirror and see an ugly, scary witch looking back at me! I always feel slightly more human once I've done something with my hair and makeup and I always feel ready to tackle the day ahead. I know I haven't done a post involving makeup in a LONG time and I'm going to try and get back into it now that I've gotten my new laptop but the way I'm feeling at the minute I just don't feel like doing anything any more! I'm not going to start moaning and complaining because I've done more than enough of that over the last couple of years and I'm just going to do my best to push through the pain and carry on as I have been doing for the boys sakes.
Its hard to describe the way I feel at the minute, I do my best to stay positive and be happy and do what I always did. BUT, and this is a big but(t?), I worry about everything now. I worry about every single ache and pain, every headache, earache and backache. And don't get me started on the boys, I'm afraid they'll fall down the stairs, get hit by a car, break a leg, wake up one morning covered in psoriasis (one of my biggest fears) or any other numerous things. I feel like the last couple of years has made me a nervous wreck and I'm always AFRAID. I don't want to be the mammy who's always shouting at my kids not to be running and jumping and making noise, they're kids and that's what they're supposed to do. I spoke to my GP about it and he prescribed me some tablets but after taking them for a few weeks I was no better so he told me to stop taking them. It's hard to know what to do, I try to relax and not be worrying about things but it's just so hard to do! I've always been a serious person but after being with G (who is a big messer!) for 15 years I like to think that I have relaxed a bit but I just can't stop worrying about things! I've always worried about everything and anything and I don't think that is going to change any time soon!
I know I'm starting to ramble a bit now but I just felt like letting my feelings out and if you can't do it on your blog then where can you do it?
I read some of my first blog posts and remembered things that I had forgotten about myself.
I AM STRONG. I AM POSITIVE. I AM ALIVE.
I shaved my head in front of hundreds of people to raise money for charity. I didn't care about what I looked like or what people thought, I was only thinking of raising as much money as possible for causes close to my heart.
When I was bald and eyebrowless I got up every morning, painted my face and got on with my day. As soon as I had enough hair to cover my head I stopped wearing my wigs. I didn't care about the whispers in the school yard because I had gone from long hair to no hair. I just didn't give a crap! Let people whisper! I had hair and I was PROUD!
I learned exactly what my husband and kids meant to me. It broke my heart to be stuck in a hospital for a week when all I wanted to do was give them the biggest squeeze possible and I was so happy to get back home to them.
I realised how much my husband loves me. A man who will shave your head for you and still stay strong even though my sister told me later that she could see the tears in his eyes while he was doing it.
I'm crying now as I'm typing this but you know what, it feels GOOD to get it out of my system! I sometimes feel like I bottle things up and don't talk enough. My hubby has enough on his plate between bills and work and stuff and I really don't like burdening him too much about my feelings! He's always there for me but I never let it ALL out because I don't think I'd ever stop!
I know that there are always people out there worse off than you and my heart breaks every time I see someone I know getting more bad news. I am an emotional person and it doesn't take a lot to make me cry these days.
People say "Oh you're so brave, I wouldn't be that strong." I say that's lies.
Anybody who is diagnosed with cancer CAN'T just lie down and give up. Life is worth fighting for and you have to fight until you take your last breath because I know for certain that that's what I will be doing and I don't intend on doing it any time soon!
You do what you have to do to stay alive... if somebody told me in the morning that I needed another mastectomy and needed my ovaries out too then I would have absolutely no problem with that. I don't know when/if the time will ever come for that but I'm ready for it all the same!
But you know what, I'm going to carry on, have some chocolate,keep my double chins up and live my life, one day at a time!
Thank you for staying with me through this journey, it really is a rollercoaster!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Hope you're all doing good! Or at least better than I am at the minute! Still trying to get my pain under control, I've been to my GP several times and he keeps changing my medication to try and find something that will work for me but its looking like I will have to be admitted into hospital at some stage to try and get to the bottom of it because the painkillers they have me on should be working but they're not!
Anywho, I thought I'd post a quick photo update of the last few months because you don't want to be listening to me whinging away now, do you??!!
|Aaron the ninja! He loves Halloween!|
|Aaron dressed as Mario in last years costume!|
|Aaron wearing his cousin's Luigi costume!|
|My Halloween look! Everyone kept asking if I was wearing a wig!|
|The beautiful dolphins we seen on holidays. I had never seen them before and I know its cruel to have them in captivity but they are just fantastic creatures!|
|Birthday cake I made for my niece's 7th birthday a while back! 12 hours of hard work! G made the Moshi figures!|
|21st Birthday cake I made for my cousin, 13 hours work!!|
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
I realise that I'm not your average blogger. I don't post all that often (almost 2 months since my last post in fact) but the truth is that i just don't have the time or energy for it any more! In my last post I said that the doctors had told me that I could have psoriatic arthritis but in my visit last month they told me that i don't have arthritis but have fibromyalgia instead. Everyone keeps telling me that its a good thing that i don't have arthritis but it still doesn't make the pain any easier to manage or cope with. I've really felt like crap the last few months and even with all the tablets they've put me on I still seem to be in a lot of pain and not getting a lot of sleep. I'm actually going back to my GP this afternoon because I'm not due back to hospital until November and i just can't put up with being in constant pain for another 2 months.
The worst part is that I feel bad for complaining at all. I've been through a mastectomy, chemo and all the other crap that cancer throws at you and I've come out the other side. I'm alive, what right have I got to complain? I should just be happy to be here! But the truth is that the pain I'm in now is worse than any pain I've had in the last two years and I am just sick of it! You are there telling doctors that you can hardly walk, push your son in his buggy or even manage to do a bit of housework and they look at you as if you're lying! I can't peel potatoes or veg any more, I've dropped hot saucepans and burnt myself because I can't hold anything heavy any more, the list just goes on and on! I know there are a lot of other people out there that have this horrible condition, I'm by no means the ony one with it, and live each day in constant agony.
Anyway, thank you to everyone for sticking with me through this mad life of mine and hopefully my 101st post will be a bit of a cheerier one! I know I haven't done anything makeup related in a long time but I haven't bought anything in ages and at the minute I'm not really bothered with it at all so I'm just filling in my eyebrows and putting on some mascara every day and that's about it!
PS. If any of you have fibromyalgia, or know somebody that does, I'd love to hear from you!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
|Michael and Michelle on their wedding day!|
|Me and my lovely hubby!|
|Cait, Michelle and me!|
|Me and Michelle, we've known each other since we were about 8, she's standing on a chair here!!|
|Hair growth update! July 2012|
|Aaron getting his full yellow belt in Eagle Martial Arts from sensei Julie McHale|
|Aaron and Ryan!|
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the lovely "summer" weather we're having!
I had my nipple reconstruction done almost 2 weeks ago now and i got the bandages off a week ago. I'm actually really impressed with the job that they done on it and i can't wait now until its all healed up and I can get it tattooed! I'm not going to be posting before and after photos or anything like that but its a welcome change after having a patch of skin where I used to have a nipple for the last 20 or so months! I was a bit sore for a few days afterwards even though my boob and armpit have been numb since my mastectomy so I had to take plenty of painkillers! The morning of my surgery (which was Friday 15th June) I got up at 4am and got the 5am bus to the hospital. G followed me up in the car when he'd gotten the kids off to school etc. I had brought a book so had plenty to keep me occupied while waiting to be called for surgery. One of my plastic surgeons team came around to chat to me and go through everything with me. She was marking me up when she spotted my "thumb print" scar (that happened when i was burnt during my mastectomy) and asked me if I'd like it made smaller while I was having the nipple done. Of course I said yes!I went down to theatre early enough and began worrying about what I always think is the worst past of surgery, getting the cannula in my hand. I HATE needles and i get so nervous when I start thinking about being stuck with one. I start sweating and my heart starts racing! A nice nurse gave me some numbing cream so that it wouldn't hurt as much to get the needle in. My last 2 surgeries I've been brought straight into the theatre to be put to sleep but this time I went into a little "anaesthetic room" to be knocked out. There was the nice nurse and a female anaesthetist who were really lovely to me and were chatting away to me to distract me while the male anaesthetist was slapping the hand off me trying to get a good vein! He finally got in it and they hooked me up to a drip but they had to wiggle it around to get a good flow (ugh!) and thankfully they didn't have to redo it!Then I was given some oxygen and next thing I knew I was in recovery! I think I was out for about 90 minutes or so. I was brought back to the ward and about 3pm I was given some toast and told I could go home. Isn't it funny how the toast you get after fasting just tastes like the nicest toast EVER??? G was up in the waiting room so we walked down to the car and headed home.
I've been complaining of pain in literally ALL of my joints for a long time now. Last summer I went to the doctor and was given a box of 100 painkillers. I only took a couple of them because I didn't want to end up addicted to them or something! While I was having my light treatment last summer, I told my dermatologist about the pain and he told me that he would refer me to a bone and joint specialist, its a spon something or other, I can't ever remember it, and i eventually got an appointment for the end of July this year. The last few weeks though the pain has been unbearable and i was really starting to worry that it was something bad so i went to my GP the day before my operation and he told me that I'd need blood tests and an Xray. I had Googled my symptoms (as we all do!) and came up with psoriatic arthritis, which is a form of arthritis that people with psoriasis get. The GP said the same thing so i had my blood tests done a few days after my surgery and went to the local health centre to have my xrays done. I had to sign the form to say you're not pregnant and it always annoys me when i have to go explaining that u haven't had a period in over 2 years because of chemo and hormone tablets. My hands were xrayed first and then my back. I had to lie on my newly formed nipple which was very uncomfortable but I didn't want to have to go telling the radiographer ANOTHER part of my life story so I laid there and said nothing!
2 days later the doctor rang me to say yes, I do have psoriatic arthritis. He said that he was waiting for some of my blood work to come back so I'd have to come down and see him in a week or so and we would have a chat about what to do next. I told him that I was due to see a specialist anyway so at least the timing there worked out well! He asked me if i had enough painkillers to keep me going til i came down to see him so I told him I had a box of them!I'm going back to see him in the morning so i'll let you all know how it goes! The pain is really awful, my hands, feet, knees, hips, shoulders and basically everywhere hurts like hell and now its starting to hurt when I try to make a fist too so it hurts to pick things up. Walking, and especially pushing Ryan in his buggy is agony. I keep telling G that I'm going to end up in a mobility scooter before long! Wouldn't you think I've been cursed enough for one lifetime already? I got the phone call from my doctor while I was bussing it up to get my dressing off, of course that had to cause me hardship too! The bandage got stuck to a scab or something to I had to lie there while they let it soak and then the doctor came in and whipped it off!! Good job I can't feel anything there any more eh!? On my way out I met the female doctor who had suggested making my scar smaller, its now half the size it was, and i thanked her for suggesting it! She got me to show her and agreed that it looks much better so THANK YOU for that!
If you've managed to read this far without falling asleep then congratulations! Myself and G are heading to a friends wedding on saturday so its the first wedding (apart from our own) that we've been to in about 5 years so it will be nice to catch up with some friends and neighbours for the day!
I was asked by the lovely Karen from Lovely Girlie Bits, who works in the hospital, to do a guest post on her ever so popular blog a while back so please feel free to check it out! Here's the link! http://www.lovelygirliebits.com/2012/06/guest-post-by-jacinta-full-moogoo.html
Once again, thank you to everyone who reads my blog, I really enjoy having a place to let off steam and get everything off my now 2 nippled chest! ;)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I've had 2 hospital visits in 2 days and have another one to look forward to next week so safe to say that I will have had my fill of buses for a while! Anyway, yesterday I visited a gynaecologist named Gráinne Flannelly who I had been referred to by Ms Rothwell, who is my breast doctor/surgeon. Because I had been turned down by the genetics crowd in crumlin due to having no family history of cancer, Ms Rothwell had told me last year that she would refer me to a gynaecologist and get my womb and ovaries checked out. I filled the doctor in on my history and she was happy enough with everything, I have to go back and get an ultrasound done and then come back for results (if I'm told to come up 2 days after the ultrasound I will be worried but no point panicking over milk that hasn't yet spilt, am I right?) a few weeks later. My appointment was at 9.15am so i had to get the bus at 7am, which meant getting up at 6 but I was back home by 12 which wasn't too bad I suppose!
Then today I was back up again to see my oncologist. Well, I tell a lie there because MY oncologist has recently had a baby (Congrats Dr Walshe!) so I seen another oncologist but anyway, on with the story! She was very happy with me, I explained how tired I feel all the time and she said that because of the "menopausal" effects of the tamoxifen as well as fatigue being a side effect, I was bound to be tired! Factor in running around after 2 kids and its to be expected really! She also asked me if i had put on weight and of course I have, a stone or so in the last year which will not shift at ALL!! She checked my boobs, said she was happy and to come back in 6 months!
Next Friday I'm back up again to see my plastic surgeon about the next stage of my reconstruction, which involves having my nipple reconstructed. I'm actually starting to have doubts about having it done now, do I need to have 2 nipples? I definitely want to get an implant in my good boob to match them up but going around with a permanently erect nipple kinda scares me!! I suppose all I can do is talk to him next week and see what he says!
So that's it for now, I'll keep you updated on what happens next week!
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A while back, I couldn't find the glitter polish that I had created in my head in any of the shops. They weren't the right colour or not glittery enough or whatever so i made my own using some clear polish and loose glitter and i was really happy with how they turned out! Yesterday as my dinner was steaming away and the boys were drawing at the table I decided to try and make some coloured ones using some loose eyeshadow! I have load of Collection 2000 and Barry M loose eyeshadows (more than i'll probably ever need!) so I thought I'd mix a few together and see how they turned out! I had 4 clear polishes so I went for a pink, a silver, a green and a purple. I'm delighted with them, they're fast drying and are soooo shimmery and sparkly that I just kept staring at my nails last night! I'm going to pick up a couple more clear ones today as i really fancy a black with silver glitter and maybe something else too!
They're easy to make too. Just tap some loose shadow into a folded piece of paper and tilt it into your polish, then shake like Beyonce! I find the CATRICE topcoat works great as it has the little silver balls in it which make it easier to shake!
And just a quick NOTD with my silver polish and OPI serving up sparkle on top!
The last of my eBay orders arrived this morning. I had seen on Beaut.ie http://beaut.ie/blog/ and Cherry Sues blog http://www.cherrysuedointhedo.com/ that Essence are bringing out some nail art 'fruit' slices in one of their upcoming collections and was intrigued to find out more. Some Googling and Ebaying later I discovered that you can buy strips of these for half nothing on eBay and 'slice' to your desired thickness before applying to your nails. Obviously the thinner you cut them the more you will get from each 'cane' but I got 100 of the 5cm canes in various shapes and colours for about €3 including shipping! I'm looking forward to trying these out and will post some pics when i do! My sister cut a couple just to see what they looked like so excuse the crappy cutting on them! ;)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I know I haven't been posting much lately but then again, I never really did so what's new there!!
I've been buying some nail art stuff and baking supplies on EBay lately as they are so much cheaper than to buy here. The first item that arrived on my doorstep this morning was this set of 15 nail art brushes which cost less than €3 and with free delivery! Here is the link http://www.ebay.ie/itm/300664264606?ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1497.l2649 to the EBay page where I got mine!
I'm planning on using some of these for nail art and some for cake decorating when I'm hand painting something, obviously I will keep them separate! ;) There is a good range of shapes and sizes so i may figure out which does what!
The second item I got this morning was a set of micro beads. I know these are all the rage now so I wanted to pick up some cheapy ones to see what the fuss was all about! I'll use them in the next few days and try get a photo up! I actually snorted when i opened the pack, I really hadn't expected them to be THAT small, absolutely titchy!!
http://www.ebay.ie/itm/160687437501?ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1497.l2649 this is the link to the beads!
There was a dotting tool in the brush set so of course I had to test that out straight away, I'm gonna pick up a set of these soon cos they're Fab! Apologies for the cackness of my nails, they are in tatters lately!!
Anyway, short and sweet it is, I'm working on a couple more posts that I hope to get up soon!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well! Today is May Day aka 1st May. I used to love may day, where I lived we used to have a HUGE bonfire in our estate and it was always a great way to get rid of any rubbish you had lying around the house! We used to make our own bbq's and cook sausages and stuff on them and it was always great fun!
So, Aaron got over his chicken pox and is back to his usual noisy, can't sit still for a second self! Ryan woke up with them yesterday morning so hopefully he won't get too many of them because it will be a lot harder to stop him scratching than Aaron! At least you could tell Aaron not to do it and he wouldnt! But try telling a 2 year old not to scratch something, best of luck with that one! The weather has been miserable for what seems like forever and I'm just sick to the back teeth of it! I've been out driving a couple of times but even if i wanted to drive at the minute I can't because G has a new job and needs the car for work so hopefully he'll pick up a cheap van for himself and i can get driving because I hate having to bring the kids out in this rain to go to school etc.
My big man Aaron earned his first belt in martial arts a couple of weeks ago, he's now a white yellow belt and is very proud of himself! He's going to 3 classes a week now so he's taking it very seriously! I'm hoping he will keep it up, I'd love to have done that when i was younger! He even wants to be a martial arts teacher when he's older!
I've been very well behaved lately, I finally got to Gorey to visit the new Boots that opened late last year but all I bought was a 17 foundation and mascara! One of the chemists down the street has started stocking NYC cosmetics so I picked up one of their foundations and a couple of nail polishes, its a very reasonable brand, the polishes were only €1.99 and the foundation was €3.49. A rival for my beloved CATRICE and Essence? Only time will tell! I realised the other day how neglected my make up case is, I seem to only be using the things that are in the basket on top of it because mornings are always a 'rush to get out the door at 9am or we'll be late for school' kinda scenario! I'm going to make an effort to start using some more stuff from my case, I don't think my Mac palette has been touched in months thanks to my Inglot eyeshadow obsession! I don't even wear eyeshadow now on weekdays, just bung on some foundation, fill in my eyebrows, throw on some eyeliner and mascara and I'm ready to run out the door! I've been using my Real Techniques stippling brush to out my foundation on every day rather than the Inglot one, I just prefer the RT one as the bristles are shorter so you have more control over where its going etc. I'm even thinking of purchasing a back up just in case anything ever happens to it!
We booked our first holiday in 10 years last week! We're going to Salou for a week in August, originally we were going to go as soon as Aaron got his holidays at the end of June but his martial arts grading is mid July so he can't be missing classes or he can't get his next belt! I'm a bit nervous about entertaining Ryan on a plane for the 2.5 hours but our flight is at 9.30am so hopefully he'll just sleep most of the way!
I haven't been taking any photos lately, my hair is getting on my wick lately (I know I shouldn't complain because its better than no hair!) and i just want it to GROW, GROW, GROW already! I miss tying it up and just being able to do things with it! I know it will get there eventually but its very frustrating, all this WAITING! My psoriasis is also acting up on me big time and that's really annoying me too!
I'LL try not to leave it so long next time and will try take a few photos!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I'm really hoping that this forecasted snow is a late April Fools! I mean, the sun is shining and I'm actually WARM! How is it supposed to snow when people were going around in summer clothes just a few days ago? Typical Irish weather really I suppose! You really can have all 4 seasons in one day, or even an hour sometimes!
Anyway, I hope you are all well! We've got a very upset little boy -Aaron- in the house who woke up with the chicken pox and isn't able to go to his Easter GAA camp or Martial Arts! I'm hoping he doesn't get too many spots and I'm sure Ryan will have them sooner rather than later too! I'm itching like mad now too even though I've had the chicken pox when i was young. G isn't sure if he's had them or not so we may ask his Da!
I've been a very good girl lately and haven't bought much make up at all apart from a few Avon bits. I've been flat out baking cakes and spent hours the other day making G a Man United jersey cake! I'm delighted with how it turned out and I know he was really impressed with it! I kept catching him in the kitchen admiring it! Then our niece Hannah was 2 on Saturday and she's Curious George mad so i made her a giant cupcake with yellow buttercream and G spent 2 hours making George out of fondant. I made some bananas and a yellow hat (for the man in the yellow hat!). It looked lovely but I jusypt don't get the fascination with giant cupcakes, I found it hard to decorate and because I'd never made one before I was worried that it wasn't cooked properly or something! We brought it down to G's sister on Friday evening and she was delighted with it (so was Hannah!) But I just kept thinking that I wasn't happy with it so i got up early Saturday morning and made a fresh cream sponge and decorated it with butterflies and it just looked nice and I knew it was cooked properly! We brought it down Saturday afternoon and 5 slices later it was almost gone! I don't eat fresh cream but this was delicious!! I'm decorating my fruit cakes later this week for Easter Sunday and then in 2 weeks time I'm making a christening cake for my cousins baby! I'm actually really nervous about doing it because people other than family will be eating it so I'm just hoping that it will look and taste nice!!
Aaron is now able to read everything and he's reading this out as I'm typing it and giggling away to himself! He's a funny little dude!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Once again I apologise for my lack of posts recently. I've had a dose which took weeks to shift and Ryan hasn't been well for weeks either so its been a miserable house to say the least! I feeling better now but my poor little man is still coughing and spluttering out of him so hopefully he'll shift it soon! Its been a beautiful few days here in ireland, its been 18 degrees or more the last few days and as far as I know its to last another few days so I'm typing this while sitting outside on my front door step! My tablet won't let me upload photos to a blog post so I'm hoping to have time to boot up the laptop on Friday and maybe do a couple of posts! When i was sick my psoriasis flared up really badly so I'm trying my best to get it to clear up because I have 2 weddings coming up in the next couple of months and I want to wear something nice!
I've been feeling really tired lately and I'm not sure what's causing it because I've had blood tests and stuff done and everything came back ok but its so frustrating! I bring Aaron to school and have to sit down for half an hour when i get home to have the energy to do anything! Hopefully I'll get back to normal at some stage although I don't really know what 'normal' is anymore!
My hubby aka G is 32 on Thursday so tomorrow I'm going to attempt to make him a Manchester United jersey cake! I made my brother in law an Angry Birds one last week for his 30th birthday and I was delighted with how it turned out! I bought myself a few new decorating bits and pieces on eBay, I'm still amazed that food colouring is cheaper to buy from America than here or the UK!
I'm nearly at the end of my 3 month eyeshadow buying ban and to be honest it hasn't been that bad, its made me make more use of what I already have! Plus I've been buying more nail varnish instead! ;)
Friday, February 17, 2012
I've been using this Catrice Infinite Matt foundation lately and have just bought a 2nd bottle of it because I really like how it looks on my skin. Its the lightest shade (010 Light Beige) and at €6.99 a bottle its hard to beat!!
I had originally been looking to pick up the newly released Real Techniques stippling brush (€16.59) but the Boots in the Jervis Centre was sold out. Thanks to the power of Facebook my aunt informed me that they had them in stock in my nearest Boots which is about 20 minutes away and luckily a friend was going there the following day and she kindly picked up one for me! This brush is really something else, its so soft that you just want to pet it (I kid you not! I actually spent about 5 minutes stroking the brush hairs after I got it!!) and I really like how your foundation comes out using it. The head of the brush is a lot smaller than the Inglot one and is stiffer so you really have a lot of control when you're using it! I'd seriously give this brush 10/10 and have been using it almost every day for the last week! At just over half the price of the Inglot brush this is well worth the money and I really really recommend you get one if you haven't already!
I know this is my longest post in a long time and I appreciate those of you who have stuck with me! Between hospital appointments and sick bambinos I just haven't had the time lately but hopefully I'll get back into the swing of it soon!
Once again, thanks for reading!