I'm not going to apologise any more for not posting very often. I have 2 kids and they take up an AWFUL lot of my time. There isn't enough hours in the day for everything that needs to be done but that's just life, isn't it!!
Anyway, I started this blog as a way of showing people that they could look good even when they were going through hell and looked like Fester from the Addams Family. I still wake up most mornings, look in the mirror and see an ugly, scary witch looking back at me! I always feel slightly more human once I've done something with my hair and makeup and I always feel ready to tackle the day ahead. I know I haven't done a post involving makeup in a LONG time and I'm going to try and get back into it now that I've gotten my new laptop but the way I'm feeling at the minute I just don't feel like doing anything any more! I'm not going to start moaning and complaining because I've done more than enough of that over the last couple of years and I'm just going to do my best to push through the pain and carry on as I have been doing for the boys sakes.
Its hard to describe the way I feel at the minute, I do my best to stay positive and be happy and do what I always did. BUT, and this is a big but(t?), I worry about everything now. I worry about every single ache and pain, every headache, earache and backache. And don't get me started on the boys, I'm afraid they'll fall down the stairs, get hit by a car, break a leg, wake up one morning covered in psoriasis (one of my biggest fears) or any other numerous things. I feel like the last couple of years has made me a nervous wreck and I'm always AFRAID. I don't want to be the mammy who's always shouting at my kids not to be running and jumping and making noise, they're kids and that's what they're supposed to do. I spoke to my GP about it and he prescribed me some tablets but after taking them for a few weeks I was no better so he told me to stop taking them. It's hard to know what to do, I try to relax and not be worrying about things but it's just so hard to do! I've always been a serious person but after being with G (who is a big messer!) for 15 years I like to think that I have relaxed a bit but I just can't stop worrying about things! I've always worried about everything and anything and I don't think that is going to change any time soon!
I know I'm starting to ramble a bit now but I just felt like letting my feelings out and if you can't do it on your blog then where can you do it?
I read some of my first blog posts and remembered things that I had forgotten about myself.
I AM STRONG. I AM POSITIVE. I AM ALIVE.
I shaved my head in front of hundreds of people to raise money for charity. I didn't care about what I looked like or what people thought, I was only thinking of raising as much money as possible for causes close to my heart.
When I was bald and eyebrowless I got up every morning, painted my face and got on with my day. As soon as I had enough hair to cover my head I stopped wearing my wigs. I didn't care about the whispers in the school yard because I had gone from long hair to no hair. I just didn't give a crap! Let people whisper! I had hair and I was PROUD!
I learned exactly what my husband and kids meant to me. It broke my heart to be stuck in a hospital for a week when all I wanted to do was give them the biggest squeeze possible and I was so happy to get back home to them.
I realised how much my husband loves me. A man who will shave your head for you and still stay strong even though my sister told me later that she could see the tears in his eyes while he was doing it.
I'm crying now as I'm typing this but you know what, it feels GOOD to get it out of my system! I sometimes feel like I bottle things up and don't talk enough. My hubby has enough on his plate between bills and work and stuff and I really don't like burdening him too much about my feelings! He's always there for me but I never let it ALL out because I don't think I'd ever stop!
I know that there are always people out there worse off than you and my heart breaks every time I see someone I know getting more bad news. I am an emotional person and it doesn't take a lot to make me cry these days.
People say "Oh you're so brave, I wouldn't be that strong." I say that's lies.
Anybody who is diagnosed with cancer CAN'T just lie down and give up. Life is worth fighting for and you have to fight until you take your last breath because I know for certain that that's what I will be doing and I don't intend on doing it any time soon!
You do what you have to do to stay alive... if somebody told me in the morning that I needed another mastectomy and needed my ovaries out too then I would have absolutely no problem with that. I don't know when/if the time will ever come for that but I'm ready for it all the same!
But you know what, I'm going to carry on, have some chocolate,keep my double chins up and live my life, one day at a time!
Thank you for staying with me through this journey, it really is a rollercoaster!!