Friday, February 8, 2013

D is for Disappointed!

Last Friday I finished my stint in Harold's Cross.  I spent 3 weeks in the place and when I finished I didn't feel one bit better than the day I limped in.  They just kept giving me the same useless medication and all the tests and xrays I had came back clear so they came to the conclusion that I "just have Fibromyalgia".  Like that's a bloody walk in the park or something!  I was so upset after the doctor came to see me on my last morning, I was told to keep taking my medication and to come back to see him in 6 months!!!! I asked was I just supposed to put up with the pain and he didn't answer me.  I worked so hard in the gym and the pool for the 3 weeks and I was so disappointed that I didn't feel any better.  People were telling me that they knew others who came out feeling like a brand new person and I guess I expected to feel the same. 

I feel guilty that my husband has wasted his whole year's holidays for nothing.  I know he had three weeks of quality time with the kids and he enjoyed his time with them but I really feel bad that there wasn't a positive result at the end of it!   

I did make some new friends though and there were 2 other women from my town in at the same time as me and we have joined aqua aerobics together to try and keep up the work we did in the pool at the hospital and also to get some time to ourselves, which I was told was very important.  But we all know that if you have kids, there is no "me time"!  It just doesn't happen! I'm lucky if I get 5 minutes to lie down and just close my eyes and not have to referee or break up an argument between the boys!

I went back to my GP yesterday and explained the situation so she has given me some stronger painkillers to take on top of the ones I'm already on so hopefully they will help me!  I really think it's ridiculous in this day and age to expect people to just put up with being in pain!  

I'd really love to win the Euromillions, I would donate most of it to cancer research, psoriasis research and Fibromyalgia research!  There HAS to be a cure out there for all of these things!! 

On the makeup side of things, I haven't bothered with it much at all lately,  I'm fed up making an effort to wear it and have people tell me that I'm looking great when inside I feel like a china vase that has been smashed into a million pieces!  I'm trying to hold it all together but it's just so HARD!  

After my last blog post, I was sure that I was going to feel so much better coming out of hospital, I just felt so deflated when I left and I actually bawled my eyes out and left without saying goodbye to anyone.  I couldn't talk to anyone without my voice wobbling and to be honest although it's a week now since I left I'm still REALLY annoyed and upset over the whole thing!  While I was in there I was always positive and had a smile on my face even though I was crying on the inside with the pain.  Maybe that's what went wrong, maybe because I put on a brave face they didn't understand how much pain I'm in.  I'm used to getting on with it, I can't exactly take to the bed if I'm having a painful day because who is going to look after the kids and do the cooking and the cleaning and everything else that needs to be done!  

But, I suppose it's onwards and upwards from here, I'm just going to have to put up with it and get on with my life the same as I always have.  Nobody is going to do it for me and that's that!  

Thanks again to everyone who has been keeping track of my rollercoaster journey, it's really appreciated!  My twitter friends are great and all give me so much support, I'm really thankful to you all!