sad and good news!!

I haven't been blogging much lately, I really don't know if I want to do it any more, maybe I'm just going through a phase or something but I just haven't wanted to blog!
Anyway, the reason for my update.... last week I read a blog post by the lovely Lisa Lynch from http://alrighttit.blogspot.com/ who was one of the first people I contacted when I found out I had breast cancer last year.  She replied to my email with one that was full of f**ks and a lot of other swear words and I remember thinking how I wanted to be as brave and confident as she was about the whole thing!  Lisa's blog post from last week said how her cancer (Bullshit as she calls it) was back and it was now stage 4 and had spread to her bones.  I immediately broke down in tears and bawled for at least an hour, if my heroine could get it back and be stage 4 (there IS no stage 5 by the way) then what hope did I have?  I was really upset for the whole evening even though I thought to myself several times "I don't even know this girl, why am I so upset over this"?  I think the reason why I got so worked up over it was that I've been reading Lisa's blog for a year now and I really feel like I know her and it just hit me like a brick wall that we're never going to be over this battle and its really going to go on forever (or as long as forever is for any of us!).  Lisa is the same age as me, she has her P to my G and, while she doesn't have any kids (apart from her cat Sgt Pepper!) it frightened the life out of me to think that there was a chance that I might NOT be around to see my little men grow up! I never thought once in the last year that I was going to die, the thought honestly never entered my head until I read that post last week and it really floored me! I actually had to sit on the stairs for about half an hour after reading it to get my breathing back to normal!  Lisa is still having tests and stuff done to see exactly what she's up against but I know that she is one of the bravest people I know of and that she is gonna be around for a long time to come!

So, for the last week I have literally been thinking about nothing but dying.  Will my cancer come back, will I live to see my kids grow up, will I be here to be annoyed (in the nicest possible way) by G til we're old and grey??  Then yesterday, something made me look in my folder that I keep all my appointments and stuff in and I pulled out the letter with my date for my mammogram and BAM! It was for today at 9.15am!! There was a bit of panic stations to get the kids and stuff organised but G brought me up this morning and we were home by 10.30am.  I was taken straight in when I got up and was back out in less than 20 minutes and we even beat the 20 minutes free on the parking meter for a change!  The mammogram itself wasn't so bad, because I have an implant in my right boob they only had to do the left one so it just consisted of putting my boob between two plasticy plates and them being pressed together so they're fairly flat and they can get an image of them.  It doesn't really hurt, its just uncomfortable but its over fairly quickly!

The nurse that done the mammogram said to ring the breast nurses in about a week for my results so a few hours after I got home I decided to ring and ask when should I ring for my results.  The nurse who answered the phone said that she would check for me and lo and behold my results were back and everything was clear!!! I was soooooooooooo relieved to hear those words!  Now, I know that I could always get cancer again and it could be in another part of my body but for now I'm just going to take every day as it comes, enjoy life with my 3 men and hopefully I'll win the euromillions and I'll donate loads of it to cancer research!!